A hopefully cathartic ramble....
I know that I am not the most consistent blog writer ever…haphazard to say the very least, but this is one that I feel I need to write for myself in order to get over this block that I am feeling about making new pieces of jewellery……it could be a long and winding road but please bear with …. It may make you laugh (probably not)…it may make you cry (hmm)….it may make you wonder why in the hell you began reading it in the first place (most definitely)…but it will hopefully get me out of the funk I am in and get my capacious arse back in the room and making shiny things again!!
There is no great science in what I make, I use my gauges and slide and scan them over the label in front of me and decide what I think would make an eye-catching piece. Then I cut it out and find the right bezel for it and away I go, but I do need to feel in a certain way to make. It is, however, intrinsically linked to how my head is feeling at any given time too. Sometimes I make shut the noises down in my head down and sometimes I make because I feel the need to create, but I cannot force myself to make. I very much dislike feeling like I am making pieces because I HAVE to…I need to WANT to make them. It can make for very strange bedfellows. (But then if you listen to my therapy sessions my self-image, projected image and purview of life is a whole mess of contradicting knots and endless tangles.) COVID-19 has had a major effect on how this has also played out.
At the very beginning of this year I had decided that 2020 was the year I pushed myself forward. I was actively seeking and booking larger beer festivals to travel to and sell at. I had succeeded in getting a number of things booked and put in the diary, IHBD had a list of dates that he needed to not be at ‘work’ as he was going to have to be travelling with me to various locations to sit in rooms with lots of beer on sale. This in itself was a major achievement for me, it was all I could do to go to a local church fair in 2018 and not run away screaming (I did however have a massive wobble and ball my eyes out when setting up). I even took part in the IWD Pink Boots Brewing event at Anarchy Brewing Co and watched a brew called ‘Mother Fighter’ being created from the very start with some amazing women and Les (head brewer and a tip top lovely bloke). Made connections with Kay and Anna (Siris Beer festival) chatting about attending their event at the end of June, we had cake, curry and generally a fab time was had by all and arrangements being made for next get together. I was full of drive and looking forward to the coming months and could not wait to make items and plan out how the table would be set out.
Within 2 weeks COVID 19 came to play and spoil all our fun. Shops were closing, events left and right being cancelled and I could do nothing, I felt completely useless. Then my mental health went into over drive and the brain decided to play games and began to convince myself that I would be seen as stamping on the bones if I started posting about my jewellery while others were not sure if they would have enough to pay the bills. I stared at my Twitter feed constantly on the verge of tears for days as I watched business after business change their whole delivery method and make these massive staffing cuts and still not know whether it would be enough…..any and all drive and inspiration that I had was gone.
Weeks went past and I adjusted to what is now our new normal, IHBD now working from home and I have my therapy via video call and now have to pluck up the courage to leave the very close vicinity of our home and will take at least a week to plan a shopping trip {first visit to the shops was in week 8 of lockdown and have only managed a further 4 since}
I wanted something to inspire me……to encourage me to make items. I need to WANT to make again. I have hundreds of labels that need to live again. I don’t want to be fearful incase someone perceives what I do in a negative manner. I began to find a little bit of hope and brightness and made a couple of items and made the decision to join a female craft beer group on Facebook and post about what and how I do on what I do on there and I sold 2 pieces, I was feeling good, feeling inspired, feeling like I would carry on making. My worst fear came true and 2 women decided that I was morally wrong and was stealing from the breweries and artists and I in no way was supporting the industry. Despite trying to explain that it is all recycled they proceeded to tear me a new one! I felt awful, devastated, this was about 5 weeks ago, and I am still reeling from it. Such a harsh attack and unreasoned nastiness, I felt like I could not keep the money I had earned, so I used the £30 that I had made to donate to other struggling businesses that I knew of and gave to a couple of charities. It also made me seriously reconsider whether to carry on making my jewellery, and then all the progress I had made in the last couple of years would have been for nought!!
As I am sitting here now, I plan on continuing this beer related jewellery making journey, but as to when I restart, who knows. I hope it is soon. Hopefully writing this will help with a cathartic release kind of effect. Now the words and feelings are in the universe, karma will come down and bite those who would be disparaging on the arse.
If you got this far, thank you for reading the ramble….it means more than you could ever know.
Here is to what is left of 2020 and maybe we will cross paths in 2021.
If you have been affected by any of this then follow the links below:
www.twitter.com/ChasingStigma www.chasingthestigma.co.uk www.hubofhope.co.uk
www.samaritans.org or call free 116123
www.thecalmzone.net or ring 0800585858 webchat is open daily from 5pm til midnight.
Reach out and speak to someone, you are never alone and people are here to help.